i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The power of my boobs compel you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
