Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
