I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
did i just pee glitter
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
