you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
