I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
