Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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