Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The uberlube is also flammable
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
