We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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