I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
