Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
