i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
