So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
