you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
