I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
