when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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