You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
