He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
