i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
