and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
