My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
