i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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