dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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