I cannot find my penis.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
