Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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