Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ttyl tear gas
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
