That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wear drunk well.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
