I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The best revenge is premature balding
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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