Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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