Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
