I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
