why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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