so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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