Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
