dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
