If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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