Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
