If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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