At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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