I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
