I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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