I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
