watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
