He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
