The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
