1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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