someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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