my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
