The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
