i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
