I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
