Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
